How to Increase Your Low Libido
I had almost completely given up on ever having sex again.
I was married, and my husband was still very much interested in it. He made it clear that he desired me. I still found him attractive, too. And we made sure to have date nights multiple times a week.
But it didn’t work.
We had everything we needed to get physical, except for the one thing that really mattered. My sex drive was nowhere to be found.
I still felt arousal, but it was very occasional and fleeting. If I felt a tiny sexual urge, it was gone by the time I was in a position to do anything about it.
We would go weeks without having sex. When I stopped making myself do it because I felt guilty, it could be months.
I had no idea what had happened to me. I was in my twenties, but maybe I had already aged out of my horny phase. Or maybe this was just married life — we wouldn’t be the first long-term couple to stop fucking after settling down.
I tried to embrace the low-sex lifestyle. I went to the farmer’s market with my husband. We’d talk about whatever while he made bagels from scratch. At night, we’d watch The Office and cuddle.
That’s a version of marriage I could get behind.
But I missed sex, even though I didn’t actually feel a desire for it.
I remembered how intoxicating it can be to feel massively horny. I missed the way that getting fucked just right could make me forget everything except the intense pleasure I was experiencing. I wish I could feel the deep intimacy that came from being so close he’s literally inside me.
Then there were times when I’d feel a twinge of arousal. It wasn’t enough to get me jumping my husband’s bone, and that made it really frustrating. I wish I could follow through on that feeling, build it up, get all the way there, and really enjoy it.
Other times, I’d just get bored. I knew getting off would be a lot more fun than scrolling through Facebook.
I decided to do something about it. I spent years trying to get my sex drive back. With some trial and error, I found a few methods that could raise my libido enough to actually want sex (not just want to want it).
Now, when my sex drive was just dead, there’s nothing I could do about it. If I didn’t even have a glimmer of desire, there was no way to get past that. Eventually, I learned not to fight it — there’s no point and I’m fine with it anyway.
But when there’s just a little bit of arousal, when I’m feeling kind of interested in having sex but my body needs some convincing, that’s when I can rally. If I do the right things, I can get myself revved up and hit up my husband for some really satisfying sex.
If you’re ever frustrated by your libido, here are the ways I’ve successfully brought my arousal up even when it wasn’t anywhere near where I wanted it to be.
Watch Porn and Read Erotica
This was my main method for raising my libido earlier in my marriage, and it’s still the one I tend to use now.
When I’m not super horny, my imagination doesn’t come up with all the scenarios that keep my fires burning. Instead, I need porn and erotica to keep my mind focused on all the hot details and sexy moments I can get excited about.
Sometimes, when I just need a little help getting there, I’ll ask my husband to watch porn with me. It can be an effective part of foreplay — even if we spend some time laughing at the script.
Erotica is usually more of a solo activity. But I have asked Mr. Austin to read some erotic stories to me in bed and let me just say that it works.
When I’m horny, I can go to the front page of a porn site and pick something that looks good. But when my sex drive is just warming up, I need to get specific. That used to mean finding porn with lots of dirty talk or a focus on anal — or both if I hit the jackpot. These days, I’ll look for hot daddy porn and first-time roleplay that hits the right balance of being playful and positive without feeling too sketchy.
If your libido is low, don’t waste your time browsing. Zero in on your personal kinks. Type in the keywords that really get you off or that you’re too embarrassed to tell your partner about.
Plan Sex (But Don’t Schedule It)
Out of all the things I tried to manage my low libido, scheduling sex was one of the worst.
I had high hopes because it’s what everyone recommends. I also loved the simplicity of it: just put sex on the calendar and you’ll be ready to fuck when that date comes.
But it never worked out that way.
Scheduling it made me feel pressured to have sex, and that’s a major lady boner killer.
It made me feel resentful, too. I was mad at myself for agreeing to something I didn’t want anymore. And it made me feel weird about my husband to be fucking him when I didn’t really want to.
It only worked when I took the pressure out of it. Instead of scheduling sex or setting up a date night with the intention of fucking, I just made a personal plan to have sex.
The big difference is that I kept it to myself. I would decide to have sex on a given night, then I’d spend the entire day trying to get in the mood and staying in that zone.
Having that goal helped a lot. And because it was entirely private, I didn’t have to feel the pressure that comes with my partner expecting to have sex. There was no one for me to disappoint other than myself.
Taking away the expectation actually made it more likely that I’d get there. And when I didn’t, it wasn’t a big deal. I could just shrug and get some snuggles instead.
Keep Your Lifestyle in Check
Making sure I feel good in general is a big part of keeping my libido from slipping too low.
Eating well and staying physically active goes a long way to helping you feel sexy. I’ve also had success with intermittent fasting. I’m just one gal so this is anecdotal, but taking it up had a noticeable effect on my sex drive.
Wearing things that make me feel more attractive and less frumpy works too. Doing my hair and my makeup will make me less self-conscious and give me the extra confidence I need to strip down in front of someone else.
It’s really hard to get in the mood when you don’t feel like your hottest self, so keep up all the habits that keep you feeling that way.
Use Ben Wa Balls
When I slipped ben wa balls inside me for the first time, I was honestly shocked.
I knew they were supposed to make me feel horny. But I didn’t realize just how horny and how quickly they would start working.
Walking around while I was wearing them gave me enough stimulation to keep me aroused. I couldn’t stop focusing on how they felt — and the more I focused on what was happening down there, the more I craved sex.
I’ve never tried using them when my libido is completely dead, so I have no idea if they could revive your desire if you have none whatsoever. But when I’m mildly in the mood, it’s enough to get me warm in all the right places.
When you have a fragile libido, it doesn’t take a lot of stress to ruin it. One of the best ways you can nurture it is to go through your most relaxing pampering ritual.
With four young kids in the house, shit can get overwhelming real fast. So, if I want to make sure I’m down to fuck in the evening, I’ll often ask my husband to watch the kids for a while so I can sneak in a bubble bath.
Taking a bath gives me some time away from my responsibilities. I like to go all out. I’ll drop a bath bomb in the bath. I’ll use my salt scrub to make my skin extra soft. And I won’t hesitate to refill the tub if the water starts to get a little cold. Anything I can do to just enjoy it and feel good will help me get in the right mindset.
Locking myself in the bathroom for an extended period of time also gives me the perfect opportunity to enjoy some audio porn (or regular porn) with zero distractions or interruptions. So if you decide to take a horny bath, be sure to bring your phone with you. You might need it.
Communicate Your Kinks
Sometimes, the reason it’s hard to get horny is that you’re not sure the sex you’re working yourself up to is going to hit all your buttons.
So, it’s important to talk to your partner about your buttons. Discuss them at length. Tell them what you’re into, what turns you on, and what turns you off.
Do you want them to spank you or make more noise when you’re fucking? Is the foreplay over too quickly? Do they do that head push thing and it makes you want to stay ten feet away from their cock? Figure out if changing something could help you get your sexual needs met.
When my marriage bed had gone cold, part of the reason is that we had gotten into a sexual rut. The sex was a little too vanilla for my taste, everything we did was so routine I could practically time it down to the second, and none of it was terribly satisfying for either of us.
Things got better when we opened up and started talking about what we wanted out of sex. I needed lots of praise and reassurance, I needed to give up control so I could get out of my head, and the right kind of sensory stimulations made things much more pleasurable. My husband needed to take the lead because it made him feel desired to have me submit to him.
Adapting to those needs made sex way more interesting, which made it a lot easier for me to get interested in it.
Those conversations are still going on. We’ve pretty much figured things out, but sometimes I can only get in the mood for a certain type of action. On those days, I’ll tell my husband “I hope you’re planning to dominate me tonight because I need it” or “I want you to tie me down later.”
Once we’re on the same page, I know I have something really good to look forward to and it’s a lot easier to get myself all worked up for it.
Get It Up
Years after I started struggling with my sex drive, I found out what the root of the problem was. I had undiagnosed hormonal issues that made me completely imbalanced.
I’m getting treatment for that condition now, and it’s been a huge improvement. But I still get a lot of those days where I’m stuck in the limbo between wanting to have sex but not feeling quite enough desire to actually go through with it.
When that happens, I still use all these methods to get myself there. Even if my hormones come back into perfect balance someday, I have a feeling I’ll still need them on occasion.
Learning how to manage my low libido has helped me get some control over my body, and that means I can finally enjoy my relationship on my terms.