{"id":9975,"date":"2023-12-28T15:28:58","date_gmt":"2023-12-28T15:28:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/fitolympia.com\/?p=9975"},"modified":"2023-12-28T15:28:59","modified_gmt":"2023-12-28T15:28:59","slug":"how-to-talk-about-sex","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/fitolympia.com\/na\/how-to-talk-about-sex\/","title":{"rendered":"How to talk about sex"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

We\u2019re told communication is the key to a healthy and happy sex life \u2013 but how do we actually approach that conversation?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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Image: iStock<\/em><\/figcaption><\/figure>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s one of life\u2019s strange ironies that talking about sex with a partner can make you feel a whole lot more vulnerable than actually, well, doing it. Whatever your situation, from a lost spark to a desire to turn good sex into great sex, advice like \u2018just talk about it\u2019 really doesn\u2019t cut it \u2013 particularly when you\u2019re worried about causing offence. As a result, many couples resign themselves to a sex life less than they deserve, or simply split up. \u2018The latest British National Surveys of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles showed that the strongest predictor of both short- and long-term sexual problems in any type of sexual relationship is a lack of effective communication,\u2019 says sex educator, co-host of BBC Radio 1\u2019s Unexpected Fluids and script adviser for Netflix\u2019s Sex Education<\/em>, Alix Fox.<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Clear, compassionate and ongoing conversations about sex are essential if you and your partner are to feel optimally comfortable and satisfied with your love lives,\u2019 Fox adds. \u2018The toxic myth abounds that if two people \u201chave good chemistry\u201d or are \u201cmeant to be\u201d, they\u2019ll \u201cjust know\u201d what each other\u2019s desires are \u2013 but that\u2019s simply untrue. It\u2019s natural for our moods and tastes to shift over time, and there\u2019s a very limited amount that can be gleaned about someone\u2019s wishes and emotions via non-verbal communication like body language. So  how do we navigate the conversation?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Take it outside the bedroom<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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\u2018Assessing sex straight after it\u2019s happened, when you\u2019re both naked, tired and vulnerable, isn\u2019t always the best time,\u2019 says Fox. \u2018Telling someone you\u2019d like them to change the way things are is likely to go down better if you broach the subject at a calm moment when neither of you is rushed, and outside the bedroom \u2013 so the space doesn\u2019t become associated with awkwardness and tension. Making a pact to check in about your love life over a cup of tea at least once a week, even when things are going great, helps normalise chatting about sex, and makes it easier to do so if you encounter a bump in the road.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Beware the \u2018genie in the lamp\u2019 dilemma<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Just like Aladdin was restricted to asking the genie for just three magic wishes, lots of us feel like we can\u2019t ask for too much between the sheets, lest we be viewed as picky, greedy or tough to please,\u2019 says Fox. Worrying about not wanting to seem ungrateful is a big problem, so couples should make it clear to one another that they won\u2019t take feedback and direction personally, says Fox. \u2018\u201cI\u2019m here to learn, I learn from hearing and I\u2019m excited to do both,\u201d should be your motto.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Make \u2018sexcuses\u2019 if they\u2019re necessary<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

If you\u2019re in a long-term relationship and haven\u2019t always been honest about sex, it can be deeply difficult to tell your partner that, actually, that \u201cspecial move\u201d they do is more \u201couch\u201d than \u201cooh\u201d,\u2019 says Fox. But there are lots of outside influences that can legitimately change sensuality: \u2018Menopause, pregnancy, the side-effects of medications and contraception, stress, what point you\u2019re at in your menstrual cycle, tiredness \u2013 the list goes on. If it\u2019s a choice between using one of these as a neat scapegoat to explain why you are suggesting switching things up, versus staying schtum and suffering, then use that sexcuse.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Turn to some saucy resources<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Sex-themed podcasts can be great conversational ice-breakers, especially as you can Google one that addresses a topic you\u2019d like to broach, then just happen to have it playing next time the two of you are cooking\/washing up\/whatnot,\u2019 says Fox. She recommends Where Should We Begin?<\/a>, recordings of couples\u2019 counselling sessions with psychotherapist Esther Perel, and the Meg-John & Justin Podcast, hosted by the authors of the book Enjoy Sex (How, When And If You Want To<\/a>). Or you can head to modernmann.co.uk<\/a> to anonymously submit a question to Fox \u2013 she answers listener queries on the Modern Mann podcast.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Try the \u2018care, air, yeah, share\u2019 framework<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018My technique is designed to help you bring up delicate topics in a sensitive way, that doesn\u2019t feel like an attack,\u2019 says Fox. \u2018First, show you care about your lover\u2019s needs and concerns \u2013 for example by saying, \u201cI know that work has been stressing you out lately, and I want to support you.\u201d Next, air what\u2019s on your mind in as inclusive a manner as you can manage. For example, \u201cI\u2019ve noticed you\u2019re often too tired for sex, but I wonder whether being intimate more often could be a good stress buster for us both.\u201d Now comes the \u201cyeah\u201d \u2013 talk about something positive you\u2019ve enjoyed that they\u2019ve done recently, to boost their self-esteem. Then, invite them to share their thoughts \u2013 \u201cIs there anything you think could help, or you\u2019d like to try together?\u201d This way, talking feels like a collaborative, two-way process, and you can agree positive ways to move forward as a pair.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Get playful<\/h2>\n\n\n\n
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\u2018A great way to learn about each other\u2019s fantasies is to each set up a wish list of items on a sex toy site then take turns to buy your partner a gift from their selection every other month or so,\u2019 says Fox. This can be an easy, low-pressure way to initiate discussion about your likes and dislikes. \u2018Looking at your partner\u2019s choices can teach you a whole lot about what types of fantasies have been playing on their mind,\u2019 points out Fox.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

We\u2019re told communication is the key to a healthy and happy sex life \u2013 but how do we actually approach 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